Thursday, March 20, 2014

Small caps panic

Every now and again, I find myself lying awake in bed, thinking in panicked small caps. Small caps, because it's not quite a full-blown freak out, but it's almost there. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL DAY? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE. OH MY GOD, GO TO SLEEP. CAN'T; I'M A FAILURE AND I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. On and on until I force myself to fall asleep. It's not a unique experience; I bet you've had one of those nights (or mornings, or days).

I had these small-caps-thoughts-trains-of-doom frequently over the six months period between graduation and starting my honours year, and it wasn't hard to understand why. I literally had nothing to do with my life then, produced almost nothing but several unfinished stories and a lot of RPing. Then I got accepted into the honours program I was after (the one I've been told for years to be extremely competitive to got into) and that took care of my existential crisis for a while. The psych department that's currently 10th in the world wants me, so I can't be that much of a failure, right?

Then it came back last night. I had a mixed morning with a stats class I didn't really understand and a meeting with my project supervisor in which I was told that I was doing very well. I had a run-in that reminded me that I don't have a job. The negatives won out.

I don't have an advice on how to deal with such anxieties. I'm dealing by writing this, right now, and looking at job advertisements. It might lead to nothing, but at least at this moment I can talk myself out of the panic.