#DEARME - to the 14 year old me

To the girl in the obviously-too-small Taking Back Sunday shirt,

I know you're tired of being "different" than everyone else. You like different music and TV shows, you have different sense of humour - for God's sake, I know you just finished re-reading Fight Club for the 3rd time.
I also know that you're desperately trying to not eat anything that anyone offers you. You're hungry most of the times, which is why you're angry most of the times.
I know that the biggest concern you have in your life at the moment is to look just like everyone else but... Just. Stop.

The thing is, you're never going to be just like everyone else.
You'll grow up and go to university and get a job and somehow in between all that, you realise that being different is not so bad after all.
You'll still laugh at bad jokes that no one understands and your idea of a romantic postcard is a picture of 2 bread dancing next to each other with the word "let's grow mould together".
You'll also squeal with glee when you find out that Fall Out Boy is playing a show near you at a somewhat affordable price, and guess what, you will spread some nutella on your buttered toast every morning for breakfast!

It's going to be ok.

The world is a crazy, funny, somewhat unfair at times, and an amazingly beautiful place to live in!
I'm not saying that it's going to be easy - some days you'll feel like the whole world is against you and the only seemingly sensible thing to do is cry.
So cry. Cry when you're sad, or when that song comes on Spotify, when it's pouring down outside or even when it's sunny.
But cherish each beautiful moment because you know how dark it can get and be thankful for that.
Be gentle on yourself, you are trying your very best to do the best possible thing you can do.
I promise to you that life gets better and you, my friend, are worth it.

With love,
Your seemingly wiser and older self.

Small caps panic

Every now and again, I find myself lying awake in bed, thinking in panicked small caps. Small caps, because it's not quite a full-blown freak out, but it's almost there. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL DAY? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE. OH MY GOD, GO TO SLEEP. CAN'T; I'M A FAILURE AND I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. On and on until I force myself to fall asleep. It's not a unique experience; I bet you've had one of those nights (or mornings, or days).

I had these small-caps-thoughts-trains-of-doom frequently over the six months period between graduation and starting my honours year, and it wasn't hard to understand why. I literally had nothing to do with my life then, produced almost nothing but several unfinished stories and a lot of RPing. Then I got accepted into the honours program I was after (the one I've been told for years to be extremely competitive to got into) and that took care of my existential crisis for a while. The psych department that's currently 10th in the world wants me, so I can't be that much of a failure, right?

Then it came back last night. I had a mixed morning with a stats class I didn't really understand and a meeting with my project supervisor in which I was told that I was doing very well. I had a run-in that reminded me that I don't have a job. The negatives won out.

I don't have an advice on how to deal with such anxieties. I'm dealing by writing this, right now, and looking at job advertisements. It might lead to nothing, but at least at this moment I can talk myself out of the panic.