2015 and My Growing Existential Crisis

Hello internet!
The year is 2015 what the hell has happened  and to be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
Sure, I finally bid farewell to university, but it's hard to not give in to my existential crisis now that I am slowly creeping to being 24.

And you know, it's not like there's nothing wrong about being 24 except that it's 1 year away from being 25 and having the infamous quarter-life-crisis, it's just that I can't shake off the feeling that I am supposed to be doing something more meaningful with my life. I mean, Hannah Hart was 23/24 when she first started My Drunk Kitchen and she was recently named as Forbes' 30 under 30.

I'll let that sink in.

Also, it's not just the existential crisis, it is also the constant struggle of choosing to do something I'm passionate about (which is yet to be known *sigh*) or this thing that I studied in uni which is slowly killing me (I am developing RSI on my wrists due to the long office hours - so I'm not exaggerating with the slowly killing me part.) I mean, you've spent 250,000+ dollars for your college education, so it makes sense to somehow put it into use, right?! Maybe not.

And now that I've made you all question your life choices (anyone?), what you should all know is that you are probably not the only one feeling the feelings you're feeling right now (so much feels.) And I don't know about you, but I hope knowing that comforts you, even by a tiny bit.

Mistakes are bound to be made and we should all see the new year as a new start. A blank paper. An empty plate. Imagine that all the mistakes, the challenges you're about to face, as well as the awesome heart-warming goodness that are waiting around the corner are the chicken and mashed potatoes and the oven-roasted veggies that you're about to pile on said plate. Each on their own will feel like it's missing something else, but together, it'll make you wonder why you don't eat them all the time (maybe because of all gymming you have to do to burn them off, amirite?) Fun fact: Pringles and chocolate work wonderfully well.

So, lets all welcome 2015 with an open heart and know that even though you're unsure of what it may hold for you, you are not on your own. Everyone is just as lost (ok, maybe not everyone - I mean look at Hannah :/) and everyone is just as worried about what they're doing. So be gentle with yourselves and set resolutions you can actually fulfil and feel good with! Do your best and we'll be back here in 2016 wondering why did we even worry in the first place.

Until next time.

Song I'm listening to: Weightless - All Time Low
If I could just find the time, then I would never let another day go by / I'm over getting old / Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year

Jimmy Eat World and the Urge to Grow Up

For me music has always been more than just something you listen to.

For some parts of my life, it was an escape from a world that I didn't quite belong in. And no I was not bullied. But it's just when I sing out loud to a song called "Punk Rock Princess", it's easy to forget I was a bit chubbier than everyone else. 
For other times, it was the soundtrack to late night cramming sessions. 
I can go on and on with this, but you get the gist of it.

This time, though, was different. I needed music to remind me of how awesome the good old days were. 
Call me a cliche, but working 9 to 5 makes you feel really old (older than how a 22 year old should ever feel) and I thought that a bit of nostalgia will be the botox to my mind wrinkle. 
So when an e-mail popped up saying Jimmy Eat World was playing a show 10 minutes away from where I live, I said yes (out loud, in my pyjamas, at 7 in the morning, to my phone.)

On the day of the concert, I freaked out because I had lost my ID. Yes I lost my ID. I guess I have yet to lose the stupid part of being 17.
I was afraid they weren't going to let me in and the night was going to be a disaster.
But something much, much more terrible happened. They let me in without seeing my ID.
And I thought "OMG THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE THAT ARTICLE IN THOUGHT CATALOG" (#3 if you clicked the link.)

Anyway, the concert was amazing.
Jim Adkins sounded exactly like he was in my iPod but 10 times better, and I went home feeling all sweaty and gross great.
Did I jump around like crazy? Yes.
Did I try to catch his guitar pick? Yes.
Did the concert make me feel 17 again? No.
The songs were great and the crowd was pumped, but nothing could ever make me feel like I was in high school again - the pain of a heartbreak (or two), betrayals from two-faced friends, rejections from countless of companies, disappointment of what's life has become and fear of the unknown future refused to be erased by a night of musical delights.

That being said, what I felt at the concert was something different.
It was beautiful, enlightening, and not at all what I was expecting-I felt content.
When the song "23" came up, I was surprised to feel such a connection,
when it was a song I couldn't really care for when I first listened to at age 15.
I didn't understand what the phrase "I won't always live in my regrets" meant and nor did I understand the concept of letting go of ideals and playing well with the cards that life has dealt.

So in the end, what I got out of the whole concert pavlova was way more than what I could've imagined.
I am a 22 year old young woman that doesn't have it all together just yet.
I have some savings I can be proud off, principles that I will die defending, and friends and family that love me.
And it's going to be ok.
And if it's not, I'm sure I can find a song to make it ok.

For, after all, you do grow up, you do outgrow your ideals, which turn to dust and ashes, which are shattered into fragments; and if you have no other life, you just have to build one up out of these fragments. — Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Small caps panic

Every now and again, I find myself lying awake in bed, thinking in panicked small caps. Small caps, because it's not quite a full-blown freak out, but it's almost there. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL DAY? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE. OH MY GOD, GO TO SLEEP. CAN'T; I'M A FAILURE AND I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. On and on until I force myself to fall asleep. It's not a unique experience; I bet you've had one of those nights (or mornings, or days).

I had these small-caps-thoughts-trains-of-doom frequently over the six months period between graduation and starting my honours year, and it wasn't hard to understand why. I literally had nothing to do with my life then, produced almost nothing but several unfinished stories and a lot of RPing. Then I got accepted into the honours program I was after (the one I've been told for years to be extremely competitive to got into) and that took care of my existential crisis for a while. The psych department that's currently 10th in the world wants me, so I can't be that much of a failure, right?

Then it came back last night. I had a mixed morning with a stats class I didn't really understand and a meeting with my project supervisor in which I was told that I was doing very well. I had a run-in that reminded me that I don't have a job. The negatives won out.

I don't have an advice on how to deal with such anxieties. I'm dealing by writing this, right now, and looking at job advertisements. It might lead to nothing, but at least at this moment I can talk myself out of the panic.

Emma Morley may be my literary twin

"We should get some sleep."
"What for? Nothing tomorrow. No deadlines, no work..."
"Just the whole of our lives, stretching ahead of us," she said sleepily, taking in the wonderful warm, stale smell of him and at the same time feeling a ripple of anxiety pass across her shoulders: independent adult life. She didn't feel like an adult. She was in no way prepared. It was as if a fire alarm had gone off in the middle of the night and she was standing on the street with her clothes bundled up in her arms. If she wasn't learning, what was she doing? How would she fill the days? She had no idea.

- One Day, David Nicholls

Sometimes you read the right book at the right point of your life, and you feel less alone. I haven't finished it yet, but One Day struck me as that book for me right now. I see bits and pieces of myself in Emma Morley. It makes me anxious, and at one point I felt like crying because what if this is what my future looks like? 

My graduation is in 13 days, and while I plan on going on to get another degree and thus my independent adult life is still a bit further away than that, I'm scared. I'm 22 with no glittering award or publication to my name and an almost-great-but-not-quite-there results. My friends are scattered all around the globe and in 13 days, even more of them would be too far away. Some days I'm struck with this panic that one day I would just fade away, and no one would have more to say than 'she was a good girl'.

What are you going to do with your life?" In one way or another it seemed that people had been asking her this forever; teachers, her parents, friends at three in the morning, but the question had never seemed this pressing and still she was no nearer an answer.. 

My imaginings of the future haven't changed too drastically at the core. In primary school, I thought I'd live with Thania and she'd be making music while I write novels for a living. In high school, I still thought I'd be writing novels, but I'd be running a private practice as a psychologist too. Now, I still write and dream of doing it for a living, I still want to be a psychologist, but I'm missing the starry-eyed optimism I used to infuse this picture with.

Still, I do try remind myself that I'm only halfway through the third chapter of One Day, and I'm only 22. I'm rooting for Emma to find some confidence and achieve the life she wants and deserves, and I'm going to keep breathing through the panics and make myself do the same.