10 Songs to Give You ALL. THE. FEELS.

Whether it's feelings of despair and heartbreak, content, anger, or even the warm and fuzzy kind, these 10 songs will:
a. start the ugly crying, b. remind you of the good old days, c. make you feel infinite (for all of you Charlies ;) ) and d. all of the above

1. Jack's Mannequin - The Resolution
I remember reading somewhere that Andrew McMahon, lead singer of Jack's Mannequin, took his last cancer medication ever with a shot of Jägermeister. With lyrics like "I'm alive / I don't need a witness to know that I survived / I'm not looking for forgiveness", it's not hard to know what the song is about. It's also not hard to feel this great sense of victory when the chorus came up. Whether it's a break up, an illness, or a dark period of life that you have overcome, this song celebrates those mini or major triumphs and it celebrates them well.

2. Coldplay - Magic

There are 2 good things that came out of the whole Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin divorce debacle. One is the term "conscious uncoupling" and two is the album Ghost Stories. Magic just oozes heartbreak in the best possible ways. It ticks all the boxes of a good heartbreak song and more. Still pining over your ex - yes. Not wanting to move on from him/her - yes. And that little line in the end - "And if you were to ask me / After all that we've been through/"Still believe in magic?"/Well yes, I do" - is just the nail at the moving-on coffin.

3. The Juliana Theory - We're At The Top Of The World
This is pretty much what falling in love sounds like. Imagine a late Sunday afternoon and you're in a car with that special person and feeling like everything you could ever need is in the palm of your hand. "We're at the top of the world / You and I / We've got a lot of time and it sure feels right" 

4. Relient K - I Don't Need A Soul

There's nothing more empowering and exhilarating than realising that there is a future after a breakup and realising that life continues on and it will continue on being beautiful. This whole song is basically a big "F you" to the concept of needing a girl/boyfriend or a "soul"mate to be happy and just being happy with you and yourself. "But I don't need a soul / Oh, I don't need a soul to hold / Without you I'm still whole / You and life remain beautiful"

5. Jimmy Eat World - 23
I've already talked about my moment of musical healing in this post at great details, but I can't stress just how much this song means to me. It's about letting go of your ideals and living life for what it is and living it to the fullest potential.

6. Death Cab For Cutie - You're A Tourist
Ever feel like you just want to pack up your whole life in a suitcase and just travel the world and immerse yourself in its beauties and oddities? Or maybe to pick up a new instrument / change jobs / find new friends and get out of a rut? This song just captures the whole essence of being inspired and will leave you feeling like you're ready to tackle on the world after a listen. "And if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born / Then it's time to go / And define your destination / There's so many different places to call home"

7. Tom Odell - Another Love
Tom Odell is English, moody, and writes one of the most heartbreaking songs I have ever heard. You can literally pick any moment in this song and hear the pain in his voice and the music. Yet the song is so catchy that anyone who's been letting the pain of past relationships get in the way of a current one can't help to sing along and mean. every. word.

8. Jimmy Eat World - Dizzy
I just love Jimmy Eat World so much that I have to include them in again. Dizzy is a song about the failure one has in accepting that a relationship has ended. I dare you to try and sing the bridge without shedding a tear. "Oh, oh take it all back, take your first, your last, your only / Oh, oh take it all back, take it all back / Everything you showed me / Oh, oh, this must be how it feels when the feelings goes"

9. Band of Horses - No One's Gonna Love You
I think most people don't realise that being in a relationship is a choice as much as it is a commitment. To me, the song is about taking in all the bad things in a relationship and realising that although things are somewhat awful, no one else is more perfect for you and choosing to work on the relationship instead? And to me, it's such a wonderful part of a relationship that not many songs explore. Fun Fact: Drew Barrymore used this song for her first dance on her wedding day.

10. Jack's Mannequin - Dark Blue 
I need to close the list with another song by Jack's Mannequin. Can't really say much about the lyrics other than the fact that the music just makes me feel so excited and all giddy inside. Favorite line has got to be "Have you ever been alone in a crowded room? / Well, I'm here with you  / I said the world could be burning till there's nothing but dark blue"

Jimmy Eat World and the Urge to Grow Up

For me music has always been more than just something you listen to.

For some parts of my life, it was an escape from a world that I didn't quite belong in. And no I was not bullied. But it's just when I sing out loud to a song called "Punk Rock Princess", it's easy to forget I was a bit chubbier than everyone else. 
For other times, it was the soundtrack to late night cramming sessions. 
I can go on and on with this, but you get the gist of it.

This time, though, was different. I needed music to remind me of how awesome the good old days were. 
Call me a cliche, but working 9 to 5 makes you feel really old (older than how a 22 year old should ever feel) and I thought that a bit of nostalgia will be the botox to my mind wrinkle. 
So when an e-mail popped up saying Jimmy Eat World was playing a show 10 minutes away from where I live, I said yes (out loud, in my pyjamas, at 7 in the morning, to my phone.)

On the day of the concert, I freaked out because I had lost my ID. Yes I lost my ID. I guess I have yet to lose the stupid part of being 17.
I was afraid they weren't going to let me in and the night was going to be a disaster.
But something much, much more terrible happened. They let me in without seeing my ID.
And I thought "OMG THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE THAT ARTICLE IN THOUGHT CATALOG" (#3 if you clicked the link.)

Anyway, the concert was amazing.
Jim Adkins sounded exactly like he was in my iPod but 10 times better, and I went home feeling all sweaty and gross great.
Did I jump around like crazy? Yes.
Did I try to catch his guitar pick? Yes.
Did the concert make me feel 17 again? No.
The songs were great and the crowd was pumped, but nothing could ever make me feel like I was in high school again - the pain of a heartbreak (or two), betrayals from two-faced friends, rejections from countless of companies, disappointment of what's life has become and fear of the unknown future refused to be erased by a night of musical delights.

That being said, what I felt at the concert was something different.
It was beautiful, enlightening, and not at all what I was expecting-I felt content.
When the song "23" came up, I was surprised to feel such a connection,
when it was a song I couldn't really care for when I first listened to at age 15.
I didn't understand what the phrase "I won't always live in my regrets" meant and nor did I understand the concept of letting go of ideals and playing well with the cards that life has dealt.

So in the end, what I got out of the whole concert pavlova was way more than what I could've imagined.
I am a 22 year old young woman that doesn't have it all together just yet.
I have some savings I can be proud off, principles that I will die defending, and friends and family that love me.
And it's going to be ok.
And if it's not, I'm sure I can find a song to make it ok.

For, after all, you do grow up, you do outgrow your ideals, which turn to dust and ashes, which are shattered into fragments; and if you have no other life, you just have to build one up out of these fragments. — Fyodor Dostoyevsky

BFF?

Here's a sad story. I have a friend who is doing her research in developmental psychology. She works with little kids, preschool age, and one of the things she has to ask them is to nominate a best friend. She'll then check the answer from the kid who's been nominated to see if they'll reciprocate. This is pretty much how she defines best-friendship: reciprocity. She told me about this child who nominated more than ten names, none of whom nominated him in return.

Now I don't know about you, but I had this insecurity that I was that kid. I always had good friends, but there would be moments when I wonder if I'm as important to them as they are to me. Middle and high school were the probably the worst of it, as my friends made new friends and got boyfriends, and I found myself occasionally feeling like the extra, unnecessary wheels. In hindsight though, those whom I still call my best friends today were the ones who made an effort to make sure I didn't feel this way. So perhaps that period of growing up and apart was necessary, even if it made me wonder what was wrong with me.

I still get visited by that feeling, that wondering of 'oh, why don't you like me better?' when a friend on their way to being a close friend to me finds someone else and forgets about me. But I understand better now that sometimes it's a matter of match. As sad as it is sometimes, some people just aren't my kindred spirits, but that's okay. Now I know with more certainty who will nominate me right back if we were in that friendship study, and as long as I've got them, I'm all good.

My X-Men X-perience

Last Friday, X-Men: Days of Future Past had their premiere in Melbourne. Hugh Jackman, Peter Dinklage, and Fan Bingbing were present. So was I.

Photos on the left by Corissa 

I've written elsewhere in this blog that I've only just recently become a fan of X-Men, but I'm a Hugh Jackman fan first. So when I received an e-mail from HOYTS Rewards (I'm a member) about the premiere, I jumped on the opportunity. (Or rather, I jumped out of bed, opened my laptop, texted Corissa at 12.30am to see if she wanted to go too, and then anguished over whether or not to buy the tickets). I eventually did buy 2 tickets to the movie the next morning after Cor had said yes.

To be at the premiere event itself though, you didn't need to buy tickets. We were there at 3pm - 2 hours before the actors were scheduled to arrive - and there must've been a hundred people standing by the designated 'red carpet' areas (there was no actual carpet in the first and second floor of Melbourne Central, where the stars would walk past to get to the theatre).

@thehughjackman on Instagram: Can't wait to see you all tonight at Melbourne Central.
Amazing fans. Aussie Aussie Aussie #xmen #xmenlive

Tip #1 for a red carpet fan experience: Get there early, at least two hours before the start. If you're eager for an autograph or a photo and want a spot right next to the carpet, REALLY early. 

It wasn't all fun. It was 2 hours before the stars arrived, and another hour before Hugh, Bingbing, and Peter passed by. The crowd continued to grow throughout. If it was uncomfortable for me, imagine what it was like for my pregnant-in-the-trimester friend. (Tip #2: Wear comfortable shoes and clothes. Unless you're all decked out in a costume, the stars probably won't see you anyway) Then, despite repeated warnings from the security that we're not allowed to push, this guy behind us lost all sense of decorum and shoved when Hugh came by. Dude, if you wanted a better vantage point, you should've come earlier.

Still, it was a good experience. Really. A nice girl in front of us offered to help get an autograph because she was right behind the barrier, and she actually did get it. My notebook has an autograph from Hugh Jackman (!!), and the man himself was less than a kilometer away, even if it was only for two minutes and I didn't actually get to shake hands or talk to him. It was good enough for me to squee over (mentally and occasionally out loud) for the rest of the weekend.

(Fan Bingbing and Peter Dinklage came after, but I didn't really know their work so I didn't wait for them).

Moral of the story: if you have a celebrity crush big enough and you get the opportunity to see them without breaking the bank, go. Just be prepared for a good amount of waiting around.

Small caps panic

Every now and again, I find myself lying awake in bed, thinking in panicked small caps. Small caps, because it's not quite a full-blown freak out, but it's almost there. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL DAY? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE. OH MY GOD, GO TO SLEEP. CAN'T; I'M A FAILURE AND I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. On and on until I force myself to fall asleep. It's not a unique experience; I bet you've had one of those nights (or mornings, or days).

I had these small-caps-thoughts-trains-of-doom frequently over the six months period between graduation and starting my honours year, and it wasn't hard to understand why. I literally had nothing to do with my life then, produced almost nothing but several unfinished stories and a lot of RPing. Then I got accepted into the honours program I was after (the one I've been told for years to be extremely competitive to got into) and that took care of my existential crisis for a while. The psych department that's currently 10th in the world wants me, so I can't be that much of a failure, right?

Then it came back last night. I had a mixed morning with a stats class I didn't really understand and a meeting with my project supervisor in which I was told that I was doing very well. I had a run-in that reminded me that I don't have a job. The negatives won out.

I don't have an advice on how to deal with such anxieties. I'm dealing by writing this, right now, and looking at job advertisements. It might lead to nothing, but at least at this moment I can talk myself out of the panic.